Gentle Reminder: This article contains references to physical violence against women, which some readers may find upsetting.
The Inheritance Women Carry in Relationships
To the women who sit by the phone.
Maybe not literally anymore.
The phones have changed.
Once it was the wired telephone hanging on the kitchen wall.
Today, it is a glowing screen in the palm of your hand.
But the waiting…
The waiting has not changed.
Waiting for the message.
Waiting for the call back.
Waiting for the reply that will confirm you matter.
Many women know this quiet ritual of anticipation. The subtle checking of the phone. The small hope that maybe this time, someone will reach out, show interest, choose you.
If this experience feels familiar, it is important to understand something:
This pattern did not begin with you.
The Pattern That Came Before You
Many women believe there is something wrong with them for waiting, hoping, or longing for connection. They wonder why they invest so much emotional energy into relationships that seem uncertain or one-sided.
But these relational patterns rarely start in adulthood.
They are often learned long before a woman ever enters a romantic relationship.
Think about the women who came before you.
Your mother.
Your grandmother.
Your Aunts.
The women whose lives you quietly observed growing up.
What did their relationships look like?
What did they tolerate?
What did they sacrifice?
What did they endure in the name of love, family, or belonging?
Children learn about relationships primarily through observation. Long before we intellectually understand love, our nervous systems absorb the relational patterns unfolding around us.
This is how attachment patterns begin to form.
The Emotional Labor Women Inherit
For generations, many women have been conditioned into a particular relational role.
Be patient.
Be understanding.
Be forgiving.
Keep the peace.
Adjust yourself.
In many families and cultures, girls are quietly taught that the success of a relationship depends on their ability to maintain harmony.
This often means managing emotional tension, smoothing conflict, anticipating others’ needs, and placing the relationship above their own well-being.
Over time, these expectations can lead women to develop a deeply ingrained belief that maintaining connection is their responsibility.
This is where many women become what society calls “good girls.”
The good girl is accommodating.
The good girl is patient.
The good girl does not make trouble.
But what many good girls were never taught is how to establish healthy boundaries.
Instead of learning how to say no, protect their emotional space, or recognise when their needs are not being met, many women learn to over-give in order to preserve connection.
And when healthy boundaries are absent, something else often takes their place.
Walls.
A woman may continue to over-function in relationships while quietly protecting herself through emotional distance, withdrawal, or silence. From the outside, she appears accommodating. Internally, she may feel unseen, exhausted, or disconnected.
This is where the idea behind Boundaries, Not Walls becomes essential.
Healthy relationships require boundaries that protect both individuals while allowing the connection to remain open and respectful.
Without them, women often end up waiting for validation from others rather than living from a place of internal security.
When the System Protects the Pattern- A Personal Story!
Earlier in my life, before I had a deeper understanding of relationships, I experienced a moment that revealed how deeply these patterns can be embedded across generations.
In an earlier relationship, I experienced a moment of violence when my partner at the time, while drunk, physically struck me. I remember feeling bruised, shaken, and emotionally wounded in that moment.
As the situation unfolded and our families became aware of what had happened, I expected a reaction of concern and compassion. But when his mother learned about the incident, her response was not outrage.
Instead, she told me something many women across cultures have heard in different forms:
“As a woman, you must tolerate your man.
Your responsibility is to keep the family together.
If he becomes angry, it is your role to remain calm and adjust yourself.”
What devastated me most in that moment was not just the incident itself, but the message beneath it. The expectation was not that the violence should stop, but that the woman should endure it more gracefully.
In that moment, I understood that the system around him was protecting the behaviour rather than holding it accountable. So, with the support of my family, I left as quickly as I could. Looking back now, I feel profoundly grateful that I had the courage to dodge that bullet!
While this example is extreme, the underlying message is not uncommon. Many women are taught, directly or indirectly, that maintaining a relationship requires tolerance, compliance, and sacrifice.
Over time, these expectations shape how women experience themselves inside relationships.
How Attachment Patterns Form
From an attachment science perspective, our early experiences with caregivers shape what psychologists call internal working models of relationships.
These models influence how we perceive ourselves and others in connection.
If a child repeatedly receives messages such as:
Be quiet.
Be pleasing.
Serve others first.
Do not challenge authority.
Do as you are told.
The child may internalize a relational belief that love and acceptance are conditional.
In many families around the world, subtle differences in how boys and girls are treated can reinforce these beliefs.
Have you noticed it?
Girls are often expected to behave in ways that do not upset their father.
Boys may be served first at the dinner table.
And many girls receive praise when they are agreeable, obedient, and accommodating, yet are labelled “difficult” the moment they begin to stand up for themselves.
None of these messages alone determines a woman’s future. But when repeated consistently, they shape how she experiences worth, belonging, and safety in relationships.
Women who grow up in environments where their needs are secondary may develop insecure attachment strategies.
These strategies often include:
- Waiting for validation
- Over-investing in relationships
- Difficulty setting boundaries
- Fear of losing connection if they assert themselves
In adulthood, these patterns can appear as emotional over-giving, investing significant energy, time, and care into relationships while receiving little to no reciprocity.
This pattern does not only occur in romantic relationships.
It can appear in friendships, family dynamics, workplaces, and caregiving roles.
And often, it leads many women back to the same place:
Waiting!
Waiting to be chosen.
Waiting to be seen.
Waiting to finally belong.
The Turning Point
Fortunately, something important is changing.
Across the world, more women are beginning to question the relational patterns they inherited.
They are asking deeper questions:
What does a healthy relationship actually look like?
What are my needs?
What are my boundaries?
What kind of partnership do I want to create?
This shift does not mean rejecting love or partnership.
On the contrary, it means redefining them.
A healthy relationship is not built on endurance or silent sacrifice. It is built on mutual respect, shared responsibility, emotional safety, and reciprocity.
It requires two people who are both willing to contribute meaningfully to the well-being of the relationship.
Belonging to Yourself
One of the most transformative shifts a woman can make is moving from waiting to belong to someone else toward cultivating a secure relationship with herself.
This involves developing:
- Emotional self-trust
- Healthy boundaries
- Financial and personal independence
- Clear standards for how she wishes to be treated
From an attachment perspective, this process is often described as developing earned secure attachment.
It is the process of learning to provide the internal sense of safety, worth, and belonging that may not have been consistently present earlier in life.
When a woman develops this internal security, her relationships begin to change.
She is no longer waiting to be chosen.
She is choosing.
She is able to recognise partners who show up intentionally, communicate clearly, and contribute meaningfully to building a shared life.
And these people do exist.
The absence of healthy relational models in childhood does not mean healthy love is unavailable.
It simply means the blueprint may need to be consciously rewritten.
The Legacy We Leave
Every generation has the opportunity to shift the patterns it inherited.
When women begin to question old relational expectations, establish healthy boundaries, and cultivate secure relationships with themselves, they are not only transforming their own lives.
They are shaping the environment that the next generation will grow up observing.
Because if these patterns remain unexamined, our daughters may continue to inherit the same quiet expectation:
To wait.
But the phone has changed.
And the waiting does not have to continue.
Healthy relationships are not built on compliance or endurance.
They are built by two people who stand beside each other as equals, each bringing their strength, care, and intention to the relationship.
And every woman deserves nothing less.
As we celebrate International Women’s Day, may women everywhere remember their worth, stand in their power, and welcome relationships where they are not waiting to be chosen, but deeply valued and safe to rest in.
Thank you for reading and for your heartfelt support and interest. As always, your thoughts, insights, and stories are warmly welcome.
With grace and gratitude,
Lux Hettiyadura
Directress, Child/Adolescent Development & Parenting Coach Education – Ignite Global
If this article touched you, please consider sharing it with someone who may need these words today. Sometimes, the smallest act of passing on knowledge creates the biggest ripple in someone’s healing journey.
Explore More Resources…
🌱 Attachment Healing Circle – A free monthly space to gently heal your attachment system through safe, nurturing connection: Join now.
🌱 How Trauma & Attachment inform Parenting, and Child Development – A free monthly space to explore how trauma and early attachment experiences shape parenting, behavior, and the developing child: Join now.
🎥 Keep Learning on YouTube – Attachment science explained in everyday language, with practical tools you can use right away: Watch here.
📚 Read More – Why You Keep Choosing Unavailable Partners: The Truth About Anxious Attachment: Read here.
🤝 Share the Love – If this article touched you, share it with someone who may need these words today. Sometimes, the smallest act of passing on knowledge creates the biggest ripple in someone’s healing journey
References
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Gilligan, C., 1982. In a different voice: Psychological theory and women’s development. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.
Levine, A. and Heller, R., 2010. Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find – and keep – love. New York: TarcherPerigee.
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Mikulincer, M. and Shaver, P.R., 2016. Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. 2nd ed. New York: Guilford Press.
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